Means vs End

Sunday in church we talked about Luke 22.  It talks about when Judas betrayed Jesus.  He believed in Jesus and claimed to be a follower of Jesus, but in the end, he did not really want Jesus.  Our pastor was talking about how often times we can sometimes be like Judas because we want Jesus as our means, and not our end.  We want to use Jesus to get the things that we want but then when it comes down to it, we don’t really want him.  I think of the woman who poured her perfume (which was worth the equivalent of a year’s salary) on Jesus’s feet.  She wanted Jesus.  This did not seem wasteful to her because her end was Jesus himself- her goal in life was to worship Jesus. 

I got to thinking about what I use Jesus for. It scares me that I could be a Judas- do I really want Jesus or do I just want the things that He gives.  For me, I feel like one significant thing in my life that has been incredibly blessed through following Jesus is community.  I don’t feel like I knew what a true friendship was before I started following Jesus… now I feel incredibly blessed and undeserving of the friends that I have.  But this also scares me because what if I am just using Jesus to get friends?  I don’t know, maybe this sounds ridiculous, but maybe someone can relate.  Like what if I was in a different place and felt incredibly alone- would Jesus be enough for me then?  Would I be worshipping him, pouring everything that I owned on his feet?  Or would I be mad that I did not have the community that I felt I deserved for “following him?” 

I didn’t think that I would ever have these doubts, but in the last week I have just really been struggling with this.  There are certain things that I almost feel entitled to, that when they don’t happen I get mad at God.  I have realized that I often look to people, to my friends to fulfill my deep needs that really only God can fulfill. When those needs are not met by friends- then I end up feeling uncared for and just like a mess emotionally.  I am using God as a means, and not as the end.  God, help me.  In the midst of this, I am so easily reminded that Jesus has to be enough.  The things I chase in this world are just not satisfying.  I love my friends and am serious when I say that I am incredibly blessed by them, but so often in the last couple weeks I can be in a room full of people and feel so incredibly lonely.  That’s because I am using Jesus as a means, not the end.  If Jesus were simply my end, then I would not feel lonely around people, because I would be in such deep fellowship and I would feel known by the Creator of the Universe. 

I don’t know if that makes any sense.  But I am so thankful for God’s word and the things He has taught me through it, and I pray that God would be gracious to me because I know that this is such a huge area of my life that I need to grow in, and I am going to need so much grace- praise God that He offers it so freely.